Thinking About Couples Therapy?
- Brittany Rickett
- Apr 27
- 4 min read
What Often Sits Underneath the Questions
Couples rarely come in arguing about what they think they’re arguing about.
On the surface, it might be:
how often you spend time together
how things get done around the house
how one of you speaks during conflict
But underneath, there’s often something else:
Do I matter to you?
Can I count on you?
Are we okay?
Those questions don’t always get spoken directly. They tend to show up in patterns instead.
Why communication breaks down (even in strong relationships)
Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t care about each other.
They struggle because of what happens when connection feels uncertain.
From an attachment perspective, when something in the relationship feels off — even subtly — our nervous system reacts. We move into protection mode.
For some that can look like:
pushing for answers or reassurance
shutting down or withdrawing
becoming critical or reactive
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), these reactions are understood as responses to disconnection, not personality flaws.
What one partner experiences as “too much” might actually be fear of losing connection. What the other experiences as “shutting down” might be overwhelm or not knowing how to stay in the conversation.
As Sue Johnson describes it:
“The drama of love is in this dance of connection and disconnection.”
Most couples aren’t stuck because they’re incompatible — they’re stuck in that dance.
Why small arguments feel so big
Many couples feel confused about why conflict escalates so quickly.
“How did we get here?”
A conversation about something small — being late, tone of voice, forgetting something — can suddenly feel intense or disproportionate.
This is often because the argument isn’t about the surface issue.
It’s connected to something deeper, like:
feeling unimportant
feeling controlled or criticized
feeling alone in the relationship
In EFT, these are understood as attachment signals — moments where the relationship feels less secure. The challenge is that most people aren’t taught how to recognize or express those feelings directly. Instead, they come out sideways — through frustration, defensiveness, or withdrawal.
Why “trying harder” doesn’t fix it
Many couples come in saying:
“We’ve tried talking about this.”
“We know what we should be doing.”
And often, they’re right. The difficulty isn’t a lack of insight.
It’s that emotion drives behaviour more than logic does.
When the nervous system is activated — when someone feels hurt, dismissed, or disconnected — it becomes much harder to:
listen clearly
respond calmly
stay open
be vulnerable
This is why approaches that focus only on communication skills or problem-solving can fall short on their own. If the emotional layer isn’t addressed, the same patterns tend to keep showing up.
What couples therapy is actually working with
In EFT and attachment-based work, the focus shifts from:
“How do we solve this problem?”
to:
“What’s happening between you when this problem shows up?”
This includes:
identifying the patterns you both get pulled into
understanding what each person is feeling underneath those patterns
helping partners respond to each other in ways that increase emotional safety
Research on EFT shows that when couples begin to recognize and shift these patterns, their interactions change in meaningful ways over time — not just in sessions, but in everyday life.
Rebuilding trust is often about smaller moments
When trust has been impacted — whether through a specific event or over time — couples often look for a way to “fix” it. In practice, rebuilding trust tends to happen less through big conversations and more through repeated, consistent moments of responsiveness.
This might look like:
feeling listened to instead of dismissed
having emotional reactions acknowledged rather than minimized
experiencing your partner as available when it matters
As Sue Johnson emphasizes, trust is built through ongoing emotional responsiveness, not one-time reassurance.
How past experiences show up without us realizing
Many of the reactions that show up in relationships don’t start there.
They come from earlier experiences of:
how conflict was handled
how emotions were responded to
what closeness or distance felt like growing up
These patterns aren’t usually conscious.
They show up in moments like:
pulling away when things feel intense
needing reassurance but not knowing how to ask for it
reacting quickly to perceived criticism
In therapy, the goal isn’t to go looking for the past for its own sake — but to understand how it’s shaping present reactions, so there’s more flexibility in how you respond.
Why couples often wait longer than they want to
It’s common for couples to try to work things out on their own for a long time before reaching out.
Part of that is practical — life is busy.
Part of it is uncertainty — not knowing what therapy will actually be like.
And part of it is hope that things will shift on their own.
By the time couples come in, they often feel:
tired of the same conversations
unsure how to move forward
worried about what this means for the relationship
Therapy doesn’t remove those questions, but it does help make sense of them.
What the work looks like at 3 Rivers Counselling
Couples therapy here isn’t about deciding who’s right or wrong.
It’s about understanding:
what’s happening between you
how each of you is experiencing it
what helps the relationship feel more stable and connected
We often draw from Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), along with other approaches, and keep the work grounded in what’s actually happening in your day-to-day life.
Starting somewhere
If you’ve been thinking about couples therapy, you don’t need to have a clear answer about whether it’s “the right time.”
Many couples start with a free 15-minute consultation simply to:
talk through what’s been going on
ask a few questions
get a sense of whether it feels like a good fit
From there, you can decide what feels right for you.
About the Author
Brittany Rickett, MA in Counselling Psychology, CCS, LCT
Brittany Rickett is a licensed therapist and the Clinic Director of 3 Rivers Counselling in St. Stephen, New Brunswick. With over a decade of experience in education before moving into clinical work, Brittany brings a grounded, compassionate approach to therapy that blends neuroscience with evidence-based modalities. She integrates EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic work and Polyvagal-informed practices, supporting clients through trauma, stress, and life transitions.
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